And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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