guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
