I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
