If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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