so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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