I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
