Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
