Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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