You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
