i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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