I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
