fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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