M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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