I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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