He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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