i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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