So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
