when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize