ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
