I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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