I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
