Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You pole danced in your parka.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
