I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
