Umm I'm too high to move.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
