Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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