saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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