I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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