He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
