I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
