He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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