She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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