i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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