Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
