if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
