JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Shame - the story of my life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
