Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
