No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
