I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
