Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
