He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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