My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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