1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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