Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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