I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
