I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i will never coherently bang her
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
