went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
