Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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