Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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