I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
