WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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