That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
