p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Sober January is a disaster.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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