What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
