there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
