Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
