i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
