fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
