I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
