I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize