Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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